The Wall

I wrote this rap for Travis the school bus driver back when I was in high school.. Read more…

I used to think that staying home alone on a Saturday night was depressing.  Like, what’s wrong with me, shouldn’t I be out having fun and socializing with people?

Well, a lot’s changed in my life and how I perceive things.. it doesn’t matter that I live in Vegas or that my friends are VIP and go to the best parties or that there’s an excuse to go out practically every night here..

I may live physically in Vegas but my mind’s in Oregon.  What that means is that I think that I mentally live in Oregon although I’m here in Vegas.  So when friends invite me to go out, I just think to myself “I can’t, I’m all the way in Oregon, it’s impossible”.. and I end up staying in.  And the next day I feel great and so thankful that I did stay in.  Going out doesn’t appeal to me like it used to.  I’m not trying to get wasted or get laid.  I want to stay focused on what I’m doing, and that’s building my business and my future.  I haven’t used my brain to its full potential in the past, opting to waste time with people that just wanted to party and nothing else..  I finally feel powerful as staying focused and on schedule has made me super productive and helped me to achieve some short-term goals.. a long-term goal is financial freedom and I’m giving myself two years to get there..

Another distraction is girls.. having been a dancer in this city, I’ve encountered plenty and I used to think it was cool to go out with girls every weekend.. all my friends would say how lucky i was and think i was so cool.. but in the end, was it all worth it?  I have some crazy cool memories but I also have plenty of wasted times.. getting stupid and chasing chicks.. and for what?  Just to feel more alone as I wasn’t ever going to meet someone quality at my show or at the club.  Sure there’s a chance but it’s practically slim to none.  The kind of girl I want as a GF is someone who’s not just beautiful on the outside, but intelligent, funny, a great heart and someone who values others for who they are on the inside, and not for how cool they portray themselves to be or how much money they flash just to get attention.. this town is so full of fakers chasing fakers.. it’s like, we’re all advertising how cool we are on the outside, but really hiding how insecure we are on the inside.

I don’t care anymore about how cool people think I am.  I’m a dork and proud of it!  I’ll always be me and won’t change for anyone.  I used to compromise in order to keep up with friends, but now realize I was just keeping up because i wasn’t strong enough to stand for what I believe in.

So now things have changed.  If you want to be my friend, you better be a good person first of all, you should enjoy hanging out at the gym or having lunch.. I’m not about late nights and getting f**ked up.. be a motivator, a supporter, have big goals and a strong drive to be the best..  and then we can hang!

So it’s Saturday night and I’m happy to chill with my dogs and watch some netflix.  Tomorrow I got lunch with the family and some house painting to do.  After that, business as usual!

If you want to party with me, let’s plan to go crazy in 2012, when I’ll be flying first class to my timeshare in Brazil.  Peace!

Check out http://www.foodincmovie.com for more info on this movie. This will open up your eyes!! Do you know that you can be sued for saying you don’t like meat in public? Do you know that over 90% of our soy comes from genetically altered seeds? And the antibiotics used to grow corn and the steroids and hormones used to pump up cattle and chicken are flowing in your blood stream and F’ing your body up?!

It goes on and on.. and of course, you probably have no idea how INHUMANE the food industry is in growing and slaughtering the animals we eat. Even Satan would be like “Damn!”. I’m going to local farmers markets for now on for my food. You can find one close to you at http://www.eatwellguide.org.

I can’t wait to feel the difference now that I’m more aware of what I put in my body. We live our life as an ignorant mass, just like cattle, following the herd to fast food joints and fueling the system that only cares about the bottom dollar and could give a damn about our health! I’m disgusted at the Government and it’s corruption.. the FDA and USDA.. all being paid off to pass the worst bills that don’t alert the consumer or protect them from genetically and chemically altered food. It’s all about the meat and soy industry getting paid, about McDonalds lining up their pockets.. People.. wake up! Stop shoving food in your mouth unless you have some kind of idea of where it comes from!

Okay I’m done venting.. just my two cents..

Please go to the Food Inc website and sign the petition for better food guidelines for our schools.

So it’s been almost a couple years now that I’ve been single.. longest I’ve been on my own since 2000. I had three girlfriends from 2000 – 2007. So it’s been an adjustment. Why am I telling the world all of this? Who knows.. I feel like blogging so why not. It’s therapy to me so doesn’t matter if people read it or not. This is like a diary and I never thought much of those back in the day. But sometimes I like getting stuff off my chest and later it’s interesting to read what I wrote.

Sooo.. yeah it’s been a couple years of rolling solo. But am I unhappy? Hell no! I’m actually very happy because for the first time, I know what it means to truly love yourself. See, I never loved myself enough in the past and I felt the need to have to have someone else love me in order for me to feel better out myself. The saying “you have to love yourself before you can truly lover someone else” is absolutely true. I feel more ready to be in a relationship and to truly be in love then I ever have! So why am I single? Well for one, I’m super picky about who I give my heart to next. The one who gets it is gonna have to really deserve it. And it’s also because I’ve decided to focus on priorities and those are my family right now. I want to take care of them, help them all out.. they’re going through tough times because of the recession and I feel like the kid in the family who has a shot at truly making a difference. Read more…

What does “spiritual warrior” mean? Well, the tattoo on my back represents that. Although the characters means “inner energy” and “warrior”, i decided to make up my own creation and i gave that combination the name “spiritual warrior”. And what that means is simply I fight with my spirit. I will fight for my family’s survival and I will battle against my own inner demons. My goal is simply peace and happiness. And I will attain that by strengthening my will every day.

You see, I can train at the gym and lift weights and hit bags and spar with people and maybe that will allow me to knock some people out. But my greatest adversary is not someone on this earth.. it’s my own inner demon that lies within myself. Punching out someone takes a few seconds and little energy. To knock out a demon takes a lifetime. And the demon is what really matters. He is what causes me real pain. He is what stops me from reaching my potential. He is what keeps me from truly being happy.

So I begin my path again as a spiritual warrior. I continue where I left off in March. I had started the year on the best note ever. Along the way, I got lost. Forgot the path that I was on and struggled to remember where I had been.

Now I am focused. I had to cleanse myself. I did this by almost killing myself. Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal. But I had to inflict enough pain so I would never ever forget. I now have someone who is providing me with a map. And I have great friends who have come out of nowhere to offer support. I was lost but now I’m found!

If you’re reading this, don’t think I’m saying this as a cry for help or think I was in some deep depression recently. I had my ups and downs as does everyone in life. But it’s time I used this brain to solve these problems in my life. God made me smart but I still make dumb decisions! Now I’m looking to make only good ones.

There may come another 30 day challenge. Maybe I’ll make it longer. Maybe I’ll tell you what the challenge is. Maybe I won’t. I write these thoughts online in my journal because its therapeutic. It helps me remember if I write it down. I often reread my thoughts so I can see where my progress is. And sometimes, you never know if someone reads this and somehow in someway, it ends up helping them too.

My life coach reminds me of what my purpose is every day with random text messages. I appreciate them Marty! What I want to do is help others in life. That’s who I am. That’s who I’ll always be. But I have to help myself first. Once I’ve figured that out, I’ll be sure to post the answers.

Enough typing, eyes getting tired from staring at screen. Peace love and happiness!