The Wall

So I went to bed late last night.. late since I had planned to be asleep by 1am and instead got home by 4am and fell asleep around 5! And it sucked not just because I like to get up early every day and mak the most of it, but also because i had a video shoot planned with one of my models at 10am so i basically got 4 hours of sleep and I forced myself up and out the door…

The shoot went well, got some great workout videos made for the websites. Afterwards, I could barely keep my eyes open as I drove back home.. but back to last night..

I had no plans to go out and had told my friends no to the idea, but I ended up going out around 11pm anyways because I hadn’t had a chance to take out my new business partner. He’s a cool guy named Steve and we started a new project together and I thought going out would be a good way to bond. It was fun hanging out at Flirt and then Voodoo (it was freezing on the balcony! great house DJ tho..). We ended up going to LAX so Steve could meet up with a friend. There I hung out with four girls who had come to see the Chipps show and a guy from Argentina. Markus and his girl got lost somewhere in VIP and I was just chilling with the group. I had wanted to go home a LONG time before all that but I didn’t want to be lame as I had invited Steve out in the first place so I hung out as long as I could. The whole time I just felt like I was wasting time.. the club was beyond packed.. drunk douchebags everywhere.. and I had a long day training at the gym so I was worn out and wanting to sleep..

But I survived! I took the group over to Cathouse and we disbanded shortly thereafter. I got Steve back to his car and finally got home around 4. Now here’s what happened after..

I woke up to hearing myself screaming around 8am. I had only gotten a few hours of sleep but I was totally awake now. I remember the dream, or should I say nightmare, completely. It was weird.. in my dream, I had woken up from my bed, feeling very drunk (I know the feeling too well!) and I staggered out of bed. I was in the hallway looking downstairs and I could see some random party people below. I asked them what happened and one of the strangers said, “last night, we asked if you’d just have some drinks with us since it was a special occassion and you did!”. I felt as though they had pressured me into drinking and I had gave in and I felt incredible remorse and anger for what I had done. I yelled at them, “Why did you let me drink? Or why did you even ask me to drink, you know I quit for this year!”. I was so angry I started screaming at the top of my lungs and I began punching huge holes in the wall. I was yelling “FUUUUUUUUUUCCKKK!!” and I remember how horrible I had felt as I had broken the most important promise I had made.. the one to myself. I had promised myself I would not drink in 2009 and here I was, only a couple weeks into it, and I was waking up hammered. I can’t describe how bad I felt.. it wasn’t like the past where I slipped up and went “oh well, try again next year”. It was like I had lost all power and strength that I had been feeling the past few weeks while being sober and healthy. Next I remembered walking around the house and seeing that my stuff was missing and I realized that I had been robbed while I was passed out drunk. That’s when I screamed so loud that I woke myself up from this nightmare!

So after waking up, I couldn’t help but think about what the meaning of this dream was…   An suddenly it dawned on me..    and as I began to realize the meaning of all of it, I smiled

I now know that I WILL NOT break this promise to myself. And I realize the power that I have to make my future happen. The choices we make determine our future. And I know that I will be strong and will call my own shots! I had been asked out and tempted by the same people that I couldn’t say no to in the past three weeks. I passed each test and with each success, my belief in my self-discipline has grown. I now feel unstoppable. That dream was evidence of that.. and I realized that a promise to yourself is one of the most important promises that you have to keep. If you break a promise you make to someone else, they can understand and forgive you and you move on. When you break a promise to yourself, you take away the strength of your commitments and you become weaker inside.

I’m going to write a book one day. On buildling the muscles inside.. the heart.. the mental.. the spiritual…

It’s my dream.. my passion to make a positive impact on this world. If I can help just one person, than it’s worth it. But with these blogs, these websites.. my businesses.. it’s designed to help a lot more than that  ;)   .. . Wish me luck!