can't think of a title for this one
it’s tuesday and i’m at the long beach airport waiting on my flight to oregon. i was supposed to go last sunday but bad weather caused me to rebook the flight for today. i’m just hoping i can arrive there safe and finally get home safe cuz of all the snow and crazy ice on the roads.. it’s gonna be straight outta that movie “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”! I gotta fly to Oregon, take a train to a bus terminal, bus it to Beaverton and finally cab it home. NUTS!!
anyways, im blogging about something that’s hard to talk about. recently, a couple people from my past attempted to contact me and enter my life again. i’m related to both in a way but have hardly seen or spoke to them in 15-20 years. i don’t know why they want to talk to me now as i had closed that chapter a long time ago.
growing up, i never had a dad. i was raised predominantly by a single mother. she was a hard working independent woman that had a lot on her hands with me. i was a problem child growing up. though gifted mentally, i was a challenge to teachers in every school i went, almost always getting in trouble and having to go to a different school. mom used to drive me 1.5 hours to a private school because she wanted the best education for me. that lasted two years until i got kicked out of that school for fighting and hanging out with the wrong kids.
mom had to be both mom and dad. but she played the role just fine, she’s tougher than most dad’s i’ve come across! she had no problem beating my ass if i did her wrong and she’s broken many an object on my tush.. including the famous wooden spaghetti spoon that i made for her in shop class. i vowed that day never to make her anything else again! lol
anyways, back to the two guys. if you’re reading this, i hope you understand that it’s not my wish to be a part of your family now when you weren’t around to be part of mine in the past. it’s too late now. i hardly get to see my real family and if i had any time, i’d spend it with them. so i wish you good luck and it’s time to let go and move on. i already had made this decision a long time ago.
the effect my past has had on me is weird.. i think it’s why i gravitated to being a father when i dated a girl with two kids once. those kids were one years old each (twins) and the father initially didn’t want her to have them but the mother went ahead with it. so being in a relationship with her in this situation, she said i could be dad and i took on the role.
i loved the kids, helped raise them for two years. raising kids as they grow from one years old to three years old is one of the toughest periods ever. nothing but screaming and breaking things and pooping! but still, to see the smiles on their faces at the end of the day was worth it all.
so i know i want to be a dad and i hope to be ready one day to settle down and start. it’s tough because the last couple relationships threw me for a loop. i was depressed and went down a spiral for a while. luckily i climbed my way back up the mountain and am now ready to start 2009 as a new man. but not really new but the return of the old. like when i was in high school and didn’t go out and drink but loved sports and pursuing my ambitions. that’s the person i’m returning full circle to.
to be continued.. got to board the plane
Wow… reading this post kind of dredged up some stuff for me today. Holidays are never that great for me anyways, but… my dad left us when I was like 7, and my brother was an infant. He was never around and when I tried to contact him right before college, well.. let’s just say that it didn’t go well and I regretted it for the rest of my life. I ended up telling my brother that his father was a great man, but that he had passed away when he was an infant so that he would never know what an ass our birth father really was. It took a psych class in high school for me to find out that I wasn’t the usual child of divorce because i was SO happy when he left us. No more yelling and no more watching him beat on my mother. Imagine my surprise when he tried to come back into my life about ten years ago.. and then when his new wife (one of many he’d cheated on my mother with) called me to tell me that he was feeling sickly and wanted to see me (about 3 years ago?)… My mother told me she was fine if I wanted to see him, but I had nothing left for this person anymore. I was done. Then about a year ago, his new wife called me to tell me that he had passed on and that she wanted me to claim the body. She even had the balls to tell me that I was a bad daughter because I hadn’t made an effort to contact my “father”, etc. etc. Lots of mixed emotions on that one to say the least, but after telling her that she had no idea what she was talking about. I finally had the closure that I’d been looking for I guess. He’s no longer a part of my life in any way. Just bad memories that made me a stronger person today. I also find myself being the “caretaker” most of the time. It’s easy to step into that role because that was a big whole in my life as well. Sometimes it’s hard because there are those that do abuse the situations.. I’m sure you know first hand, but it’s something I can’t help, and I just try not to regret anything I decide to do. After all it’s ultimately my decision, so it’s really on me and not anyone else right?
Wow.. sorry for the babbling, but the floodgates just kind of opened up… Hope you have a great holiday!
Steve, you stirred up some new and old thoughts and emotions with this post and before I bore you, yet again, with my babble, I am going to post onto my blog and send you a link if you are at all interested.
You stated “coming full circle” I too feel and believe I’ve started a second “teenage hood” but with my eyes wide opened this time, knowing what I want and not what others may want me to do and ironically, with full support this time. We shall see what 2009 brings… I do hope I finally get my a$$ in gear.
I Hope you made it home safe and sound. Your travel plans did not sound
fun. I’m waiting for a friend from NY…Plan already 1/2 hr. late.
Merry Christma! I will be thinking of you…enjoy
thanks for opening up Grace.. when you share your life experiences, you find others that can relate to you and it makes it easier to deal with these issues. I’m a firm believer in that life’s lessons are taught not through easy times but when life gets tough. That’s when you really grow as a person
i love your babble
.. and yes, let’s hope we get our a$$’s in gear for 2009 
i hear its snowing in the east coast like it is here.. stay warm!
so true… what doesn’t break you.. right? Have a happy and healthy holiday with your family and loved ones.
Steve,
Have you read the books by Louise Hay “You can heal your Life” and “The power within you”?